I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
