I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
