chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
