Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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