I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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