take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
