I met the friendliest cop last night
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
