Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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