Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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