you would pick up someone in the library
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
