Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
