Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
