The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She even gives head with a lisp.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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