The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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