nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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