i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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