woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
