So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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