my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
