Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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