u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
