The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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