My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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