the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
