I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize