i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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