Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
