awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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