Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He has the fingertips of a God
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