I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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