so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
