i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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