i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
