i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
