I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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