The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
