I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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