I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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