i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
