Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
