I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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