Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
