Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
