I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
