All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
