Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
