I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
