just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
