i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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