I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
