My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
