Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
