Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize