My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
