Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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