Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
