well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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