Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
