hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need moral support for this bender
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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